I don't have money

I am 37 years old, born as Christian, later moved to Messianic. As a kid, my parents raised us religious. My mother always used to ask us to read Psalms.

As I was growing older, I was sailing in two boats, I pretended to be religious and also committing sin by wasting seed almost every day.

As I entered into graduation, we got computers and the level of sin was just getting higher, was spending too much time on pornography.

Then I got a job, and got mobile phone and it was very easy now to watch porn and I was staying away from my parents due to my work. I was feeding porn every single day and was wasting seed every single day.

Sometimes I wanted to go back to spiritual, it was 2010 I heard Rabbi Tovia Singer’s lectures and immediately accepted that God is one, and it's not Jesus. But my sins didn't stop.

I lost my job, became bankrupt. Parents didn't know about it, I became lazy as well. But I had the potential to grab a job. I took loan with a confidence that I can get job soon, but that didn't happen, instead I ran out of the loan amount as well. Parents got to know the matter, I asked Rabbi Tovia Singer to give me some money as I hardly knew anyone to ask. Rabbi said, I don't have money but I can pray for your job. It was a miracle I got a job within a month

But I was not thankful to Hashem, I was still committing sin by wasting seed. Then sleep paralysis started.... I didn't know the term too that it's called as sleep paralysis until few weeks ago.

I was searching in internet with my experiences but couldn't really find an answer... and whenever soul comes on my body, I always used to ask " who are you"... there was no answer.

One day randomly I was listening to Rabbi Yosef Mizrachi’s video on Facebook and later somehow Rabbi Yaron Reuven’s video showed up on Wasting seed. I watched that video... it was a year ago. Baruch Hashem I didn't commit that sin again from that day. I immediately pinged Rabbi about my sleep paralysis, he said it would take time and be strong... When I decided to change, sleep paralysis happened to me every day for a week. Now that doesn't happen to me anymore.  I became stronger, started reading Tehillim, Torah... I am still doing Teshuva..

I just pray to Hashem always that I am just dust and ashes, Universe is Yours, please don't cast me away...

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Anonymous

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