Eventually Hashem tried to save me
My story is long so I’ll make it as short as possible, I grew up in a fairly shomer Shabbat home and kosher home, the only problem was that it was more forced down our throats and was a drag rather than given with love and understanding and simcha, I went to a yeshiva as a kid and kept things not knowing why, I was bullied for years and harmed myself as a young girl all of my problems began from there, not having self respect or self love and wondering how Hashem can do this to me, fast forward high school I was kicked out for reasons I still don’t understand (which now I see was a bracha) but I blamed the religious Jews because I believed all they cared about was money which I didn’t grow up with, so I knew letting me go was nothing since I couldn’t afford most of the tuition anyway - so I despised most religious people I then went to a school for kiruv and fell off completely, I dated a non Jewish person for 2 years almost 3, I hung out with the wrong crowd, I was sexually harassed in a home with 2 boys I had to fight off for hours , Barcuh Hashem I got out of it but I shouldn’t of been in that situation to begin with which I later on understood, keeping Shabbat was the last thing on my mind. I wore pants I did it all without even thinking.
Eventually Hashem tried to save me and my family found out about my non Jewish relationship , even though I knew it was wrong, for some reason them saying it helped me wake up and I realized I’d never be able to introduce him to my family and if I don’t change and marry this person, my family will have to sit shiva for me, and the thought of it broke my heart, so eventually I started to change slowly, deciding to let go of the relationship and started with my journey back to religion which was the hardest and most painful thing I had to do, letting go of a life I cherished and enjoyed but instead I received a beautiful life that’s full filling better then I believed I deserved - I did cried every night for strength to move forward and Hashem was next to me the entire time holding my hand through the journey , it’s been almost 10 years , Hashem answered all of my tefilot that I davened those nights with tears and pain of regret. I married and have a religious home that does mitzvot with love and happiness. I still have so many different difficult obstacles, but with Hashem I know I can and will get through it because my father is the king of the world.
After getting married and being religious, I knew that being religious meant to always improve yourself and I stumbled upon Rav Reuven on Facebook and have been listening ever since, I’ve burned my wig, improved the way I think, fight for the truth and spread the truth and continue to try and bring others closer to Hashem.